If you want to
tell me how
crappy my web
page is, email me (click below)
Suckers Have
Been Jacknife
Powerbombed by Big Sexy
Army of Darkness Transcription - March 1995 - V1.5 (North American
theatrical/video Release) DINO DeLAURENTIIS COMMUNICATIONS PRESENTS A RENAISSANCE
PICTURES PRODUCTION
[Ash in chains in late Medieval England]
Ash: (Voice Over) My name is Ash and I am a slave. Close as I can figure
it the year is 1300 AD and I'm being dragged to my death. It wasn't
always like this... I had a real life, once. A job.
[Ash at work in present day S-Mart]
(PA: Ash to price check four.)
(Ash: Umm, hardware isle 12. Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart.)
I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda.
[Flashback: Ash and Linda at the cabin]
Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems
an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and
study his latest find: Necronomicon ex Mortis, the Book of the Dead.
Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumarrian text
contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon
resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the
living. The book awoke something dark in the woods. It took Linda,
and then it came, for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I
lopped it off at the wrist. But that didn't stop it. It came back.
Big time.
Ash: For God's sake! How do you stop it?!
BRUCE CAMPBELL
VS.
ARMY OF DARKNESS
[Daytime. Ash in late Medieval England in an open field]
Ash: Where in the hell? Now... easy now chief. I don't know how
I got here and uhhh and I'm not lookin' for any trouble.
Sldier: What a piece of armour this is.
Arthur: Wiseman!
Wisman: My Lord, I believe he is the one written of in the Necronomicon.
He who is prophesied to fall from the Heavens and deliver us from
the terrors of the Deadites.
Arthur: What? That buffoon? Likely he's one of Henry's men. I say to the
pit with him!
Men: To the pit! To the pit!
Arthur: To the pit!
Ash: You miserable bastard!
[Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
Sheila: M'Lord Arthur, where is my brother? Did he not ride with you?
Arthur: Aye, and fought valiantly. But last night he fell in battle
to Duke Henry's men. I'm sorry Sheila.
Sheila: Foul thing! My brother's death shall be avenged!
Sldier: Company halt!
Henry: You sir, are not one of my vassals. Who are you?
Ash: Who wants to know?
Henry: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader
of its peoples.
Ash: Well hello Mr. Fancy-pants. I got news for you pal, you ain't
leadin' but two things right now. Jack and shit... and Jack left
town.
Arthur: There is an evil awakened in this land... and while my people fight
for their very souls against it, you Henry the Red wage war on us.
Henry: It was you who first turned your swords on us! And this evil has
befouled my people as well.
Henry: Your people are no better than the foul corruption that lies in the
bowels of that pit.
Sldier: Right, you're no better.
Arthur: May God have mercy upon your souls.
Man: In God's name! What Hellspawn lurks there?
Ollady: Into the pit with those bloodthirsty sons of whores!
from the pit>
Man: Heavenly God!
TwrGrd: He's escaping!
shooting him with a crossbow>
Ash: Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute. Hold it. W-wait a minute. Y-you gotta
understand, man. I-I never even saw these assholes before.
Henry you gotta tell 'em you don't know me. We never met. Tell him.
Henry: I dunna think he'll listen lad.
Ash: Look, I'm telling you. You got the wrong guy.
at Ash's head> I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy.
pushed into the pit>
Ash: Why you.
Art: Spikes.
GldTth: Hey! He say spikes, give him spikes.
Wisman: Make way. Strange one! Strange one!
chainsaw to Ash who catches it with his right hand and kills the
Deadite>
Henry: Yeas!
Sheila: Damn you. Damn you.
Ash: You know your shoelace is untied.
Alright. Who wants some?
Who's next? Huh? How 'bout it? Who wants some? Huh?
Who wants to have a little? You. You want some
more? Huuuh? You want a little? Do ya? Huh? You want some more?
Huh? Huh? Hh! Now get on those horses and get out
of here. Let 'em go.
Henry: Ahahhahahahahaha.
Arthur: Halt!
Henry: Thank you generous hosts!
Arthur: Sword boy! For that arrogance I shall see you dead.
(BOOM)
Ash: Yeah. Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up. See this?
This is my boomstick! It's a twelve gauge double barreled
Remington, S-Mart's top-of-the-line. You can find this in the
sporting goods department. That's right this sweet baby was made in
Grand Rapids Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut
stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop
Smart. Shop S-mart. Ya got that?! Now I swear, the next one of you
primates, even touches me... Ya! (BOOM) (BOOM)
Now, let's talk about how I get back home.
